The 1 slightly indifferent.

“Actually, being what you are is the simplest. What is difficult is to stop being what you are not.” ~Mooji

Put me in a room of 100 people, where 99 think I’m a legend and 1 is slightly indifferent and I’ll spend days, weeks, maybe months or even years trying to work out why and how I can change their mind.

I’ve spent my life needing to be treated twice as special simply to feel half as normal. I lived with an insatiable and unquenchable thirst to be approved of, to please others, to not rock-boats, to be liked and to feel loved, often and somewhat disarmingly by people I couldn’t actually bear or stand.

My biggest fear is ultimately and ironically my most human desire: being exposed. Don’t look at me, but please, please notice me. Make my self smaller, blended and barely visible but let me stand out, be seen, witnessed. matter, count. A master of disguise, strategic camouflage and gold-medal Olympic chameleon.

I was born to write. I was put here to speak. I was made to create. And I was created to make things happen. I’ve always known these and many other equally important self-truths. I have kept most of them hidden. I have kept myself small, limited, beige, contained, off-the-radar. Protected. And I thought it was for and because of you, so did you, but it turns out we were both wrong.

Today is the day that changes. Tomorrow is always a day too late. Now, is the time to translate them into something unfamiliar, untested and unexpected.

This is my Exposure Therapy. Throwing the band aids in the bin. An experiment of self-exposure across 365 days sharing my humanness in its fullest form, function and flow as we complete one full orbit together around the Sun.

I no longer need you to join me, but I’d love it if you do. I’ll do it alone if that’s what’s destined, planned. But I’m here, finally, learning How To Be Human on a day the code was cracked, chains broke and the fear fell away.

H2BH 001/365