Riding thermals.

“You know what’s worse?”

“Worse?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s not a competition.”

“But go on, tell me…”

I’m talking to a friend. With green eyes and pixie nose. About the struggles of being single. How hard it can feel. How scary it can seem. How lonely it can be. Post break-up. Autumn, 2016.

This conversation happened a lot then. Between the singleton and the committed. The debate of one who didn’t know what to do with freedom. The other who gave it up for happily ever after. Two ends of the spectrum. Two halves that created a void. But couldn’t fill the whole.

Then the contentious question: is it worse to be single and alone. Or, in a partnership and on your own?

…I’ll leave that for you to ponder.

Four years later, preparing for my first CEO role I was repeatedly warned about 2 of the sharpest thorns that come with the crown:

The loneliness. And how hard it is to trust.

Anyone.

Those wise warners weren’t just right. They were so right. It was wrong.

But you have to try, right? To prove it can be different. That you are different. That this is different. This time. It won’t be the same.

Until you’re sitting in a room, in an office you’ve never been to before. Opposite two people whose job it is to protect you. Have your back. Fight in your corner. Telling you nothing whilst accusing you of it all.

The ones you were told to trust. Paid you to.

Loneliness isn’t going it alone. Or trying to do it on your own. Loneliness is being surrounded by people you cannot trust but are made to. Who you don’t align with but are positioned to. Who tell you that you can. And should.

When you can’t. And shouldn’t.

Research says 61% of CEOs battle loneliness. Which hurts them and their performance. Scarily so, solopreneurs are higher still at 75%. But the raw numbers don't capture the conundrum. Or contextualise the concept of choice.

As CEO, there were people everywhere. All the time. In meetings, on calls, with committees. An audience for every decision. Witnesses to every win. Onlookers to each loss.

But.

Witnessing isn't the same as seeing.

And.

Being surrounded isn't the same as being supported.

Today, I chose to wake up alone. With myself. And my business. Some mornings that freedom feels like riding thermals. Others, like falling without a chute.

Because that is what it feels like to simultaneously fly. And build the plane.

No board to appease. No executives to engage. Equally, no one to celebrate the small wins. Or judge the weight of decisions only you can make.

CEO loneliness is trust you don't want to give. Solopreneur loneliness is wanting someone to give it to.

Both are lonely. Just different choices of alone.

But.

Today I get to choose.

My wing-women, co-pilots. Tandem base-jumpers. Along with the flight paths we will take. And create.

And the thrill of being a pilot in a plane with fledgling wings.

In a sky without crowns. Or thorns.

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