When Right is still Wrong.
"We need to talk."
"Sorry, did I do something wrong?"
"No, we've decided to externally review you."
"But it's only 3 months into my probation."
“Her name is Kate. She'll be in touch."
24-hours earlier I was in a board meeting. Very. High. Stakes. I'd prepared for what was coming but not feeling so tense, tired, stretched. Another leader and I had agreed to call out what we knew to be a dodgy deal.
She stayed silent. I took the fall.
On reflection, what I did, I stood by. How I did it, could have been better. What I said? I stand by every single word.
The very next day, I was called into an unexpected meeting with the Chair. My performance would be reviewed. Externally. Whilst in mid-probation, being reviewed. When questioning the appropriateness and timing of an immediate review, I was told it wasn't related to the events of the previous day. Another untruth.
Challenging two male board members was simply not ok.
The external investigator concluded putting me under review showed disrespect and lack of trust - from them, not me. Their retaliation proved they didn't have my back and set me and the organisation up for failure. The irony wasn't lost on either of us.
I wouldn't be sacked. But I was "strongly encouraged" to formally apologise.
Welcome to the double bind of women in leadership. Speak up, I'm too emotional. Stay quiet, I'm not assertive enough. Don't apologise when calling out dishonesty? I'm a problem, becomes 'their' problem, which ultimately becomes mine.
Research shows women apologise more than men - not because we're wrong more often, but because we have a lower threshold for what deserves an apology. Women CEOs face 50% more scrutiny. Criticised 2.5x more for identical mistakes.
I spent years perfecting CEO code-switching. Judged on everything - height, weight, clothes, even my facial expressions. Rarely my actual performance which always exceeded expectations and KPIs.
Harvard Business Review found code-switching comes at "great psychological cost," yet is crucial for advancement. McKinsey (2022) shows women leaders are leaving at record rates, demanding workplaces that value actual contributions, not superhero shapeshifting abilities.
I've never been perfect. I tried and failed miserably. I've made people feel less than when my standards were impossibly high. I've poorly spoken truths that cut deeper, where stress made me scissor sharp when I meant to be crystal clear.
That makes me human. Not bad.
I was expected to give everyone else permission to be human. 9 times out of 10, denied the same grace, right and courtesy. Earning a six-figure salary afforded me great luxury, but what money can't buy female leaders is the right to be wrong.
I gave them a formal apology. For calling out what I knew was right. For trusting my voice over theirs. And even though vindicated. Proven to be right.
It all still felt intuitively wrong.
Sometimes being right leads to feeling something is still very wrong. Sometimes an apology costs more than a mistake ever could.
But speaking your truth, even imperfectly, is a salary sacrifice no woman should ever be willing to make.
H2BH 017/365
